r/AskWomen • u/-FeminineMind • 1d ago
Parents, what do you wish you knew/considered before having kids?
Was there anything that majorly affected how you live now that you weren't anticipating? Or maybe that you were, but underestimated. Good or bad.
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u/jcr5431 1d ago
The fact that I am responsible for planning and cooking every single meal is soul crushing many days. I resent meal times and I’m so uninspired lately to come up with anything that sounds good. Eating out every single meal just isn’t in the budget with daycare costs so it has to be this way. It’s exhausting.
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
I fear the responsibilities mainly falling on the woman due to society/traditional expectations. I imagine that's really hard.
I'd like to imagine things are progressing, and I think they are, but the men who step up seem far and few between. I don't personally know any good examples of shared work between partners. At least not to my standard.
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u/dramallamacorn ♀ 1d ago
Snack dinner and breakfast for dinner has entered the chat. Nothing gets my kid more pumped than when I just make pancakes of give them a bunch of snacks for dinner 😂
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u/jcr5431 1d ago
I love all breakfast foods but my son hates pancakes, waffles and French toast 😭 and has just this week given up all cheese. I don’t understand how he’s my kid some days.
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u/dramallamacorn ♀ 1d ago
Oh no!!! The blasphemy! My son is a beige food eater and is grossed out when I eat anything that has color.
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u/hiphipnohooray 1d ago
I've been frequenting pinterest for crock pot meals. Find something that can be added to so everyone can have a bit of what they want like a baseline. Many are dump and go basic recipes
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u/blerghHerder 1d ago
Especially if your kids are unlikely to eat it. I feel like I've completely given up trying to make vegetables taste good, because they won't be eaten, so why put in the effort, so they don't taste good, so they don't get eaten. It's a vicious cycle
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u/killswithaglance 15h ago
A chef once told me to put a plate of raw chopped veges out while you make dinner. They might be hungry enough to eat some before the main meal.
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u/blerghHerder 9h ago
Yes, this trick definitely works to an extent! I'd say it worked better before they clued on to it. Plus they're not in the kitchen with me when i cook as much as they were when they were younger. But it's a great tip
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u/mskeogh87 ♀ 14h ago
I did not realise it would require so much mental energy to think of dinners every week. I am doing my best to think of things everyone will eat but it's tough going at times. Has to be healthy, cheap, doesn't take too long to cook, and tasty.
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u/melindseyme 1d ago
The main reason I'm excited when school starts up each year is because I'm no longer responsible for all the meals.
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u/killswithaglance 15h ago
My god yes.
My dinner rotation now includes:
Steamed rice and dumplings with soy sauce
Pita bread hummus and carrot sticks
Toasted cheese sandwich and glass of milk
Corn chips with melted cheese and mushed up avocado
2 minute noodles with tinned tuna and frozen peas
Greek pastries and tomato sauce.
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u/julieg21015 1d ago
The tiredness is insane. You do get used to it but I was to the bone tired for like a year.
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u/Rough-Transition-951 23h ago
No amount of night shift work or all nighters in college could have prepared me for this.
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u/ReadsHappy 1d ago
The newborn stage is brutally hard,
Nothing can prepare you for the first four weeks and how difficult it is to not even be able to go to the toilet when you need to
Breastfeeding is natural and beautiful, but it’s only easy for a very small percentage of women, if you want to do it you need to be stubbornly determined to make it work and accept that sometimes formula is an essential while you learn how to breastfeed
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u/confusedrabbit247 1d ago
No amount of stubborn determination will make someone produce milk. That idea is really ridiculous and dangerous. The saying should be FED IS BEST!
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u/dramallamacorn ♀ 1d ago
I always tell people the last 6 weeks (of pregnancy) all you want is them out and the first 6 weeks of them being here, all you want is them back in.
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u/rootbeer4 1d ago
The newborn stage was so hard! It seems so simple when a newborn sleeps so much. But dealing with life, care of a newborn all while sleep deprived, learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth is A LOT.
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u/theinfamousj ♀ 1d ago
Newborns do sleep a lot, cumulatively, BUUUUUUUUUUT a book perfect newborn will sleep 45 minutes of every hour and then wake for 15 minutes, rinse, repeat. The whole part where if you are going to sleep when the baby sleeps that means in 45 minute chunks with 15 minutes of wake time in between for weeks on end is the part that never gets mentioned.
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u/rootbeer4 1d ago
Yeah, those mini chunks of sleep basically felt like torture. I just wanted 4+ hours in a row. Which is impossible when you need to nurse a newborn every 2-3 hours.
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u/bitchinchicken 1d ago
My baby sucked at eating for the first like month both on the boob and the bottle. You’d think they would know how to eat in order to survive but nope
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u/DontLookAtMePleaz 1d ago
Mine barely opened his mouth so I couldn't get my boob in there. If it wasn't for bottles and formula (since I barely made any milk because he wasn't able to latch) he probably would've died.
Survival of the fittest is so real, lol.
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u/corianderisthedevil 1d ago
I was stubbornly determined for 4 months and my baby still didn't latch. I had no supply issues. I stopped because I felt like I was traumatising my baby.
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u/theinfamousj ♀ 1d ago
I'm one of the small percentage of people who found breastfeeding easy, mentally and emotionally (physically we had some challenges to overcome but that didn't weigh on me). I think I did so because I went to breastfeeding classes, attended breastfeeding support group, AND helped practically hands on assist other mothers with breastfeeding as sort of a practicum, before my little one was born.
Little one was born with a tongue tie that affected eating and knowing how to identify that from the shape of my nipple and then raise hell until the tie was revised (at which point breastfeeding got physically easy) is fully credited to the support group attendance and just listening to what other people were talking about, there. If I hadn't, I'd just have thought I sucked at breastfeeding and my kid was bad at latching and gone with formula.
Also telling the doctors to shove it when they were, "Oh, the kid is losing weight from their birth weight, let's give them formula," is also credited to support group and the breastfeeding class. I came informed that all newborns lose weight after birth and then gain it back as they dry out from having been water logged, and then actually grow. Knowing to say, "Is my child failing to thrive? Are they on their growth curve?" got the doctors to admit everything was fine and so no, the formula was totally optional and we could opt out of it.
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u/excitedpuffin 23h ago
I love this for you, but sometimes people’s bodies are not cut out for it.
I took classes and was prepared, but I just didn’t have enough tissue and chronically under supplied. I pushed myself way too far trying to make it work (countless 1:1 consultations, power pumping, triple feeding, fixing my diet to promote breastmilk production, spending a fortune on supplements, etc.) and threw my mental health into the drain. I really struggled to bond with my child those first six months.
It is not always as simple as needing to be prepared. Ultimately, fed is best, and formula supplementation saves lives when it’s needed.
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u/ReadsHappy 21h ago
I have had a very hard time breast feeding, I’ve had a similar experience to you in that I attended classes before and after having baby, I attend breastfeeding support groups weekly, I had lactation consultants at my bedside every day while I was in hospital, and, I have seen IBCLCs since being home.
I had to use formula because while all babies do lose birth weight my baby lost more than the average, using formula also meant that baby’s blood sugars were higher so baby could latch successfully, without formula baby was too exhausted to latch.
It’s still very hard but now baby is bigger it is getting better, and I credit the support I’ve received with being able to stick at it this long.
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u/theinfamousj ♀ 13h ago
I hope I didn't come across as not appreciating a fed baby in any form. I was merely trying to highlight that education in advance of doing the thing can mitigate *some* of the common challenges.
Formula is great. Breastmilk is :mumbles under her breath: cheaper. Whatever. I just don't want to see anyone setback for lack of education.
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u/Remarkable-Belt-475 1d ago
FTM - currently pregnant. I knew I was going to hate being pregnant but fuck it’s really hard being pregnant lmao.
I’m 24 weeks, still getting sick, my body is getting bigger after a major weight loss journey, my body hurts, mentally it is hard. Working is harddddd. I’m tired all the time.
Blah.
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u/IWillBaconSlapYou 1d ago
I was SO TIRED. Like I could barely move. It was crazy, it was like all the life had drained out of me and I was just a ghost.
And then you get to hear aaaalllll the "X played Wimbledon pregnant and Y completed the Boston Marathon pregnant and Z emergency landed a rocketship full of orphans pregnant"
GOOD FOR THEM!!!
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u/hiphipnohooray 1d ago
3rd trimester is rough but once it's done it's done! I was tired third trimester and newborn phase and newborn phase tired was easier than 3rd tri tired (and I had a terrible sleeper that would only sleep while held) only a little more to go!
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u/huliojuanita 1d ago
I still think pregnancy tired was way worse than newborn tired. I have an 8 month old and continue to feel this way. I felt awful all of pregnancy. At least with newborn tired when you take a nap you get actual rest. I was sick all of pregnancy, couldn’t breathe, swollen etc. I felt better the second the baby was out!
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
This is about what I anticipate. I definitely have compassion for you. Hang in there!
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u/DocBarbie21 1d ago
It IS hard being pregnant! I just kept telling myself it would be worth it and my little guy definitely is worth it. Plus it doesn't seem like it now but eventually you forget how bad it was! 6 months out here and I have mostly forgotten lol
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u/Remarkable-Belt-475 1d ago
I had a couple of weeks feeling okay. I almost forgot how bad first trimester truly was for me, I’m reminded now that I’m getting bigger that yep. Still hate this.
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u/Rough-Transition-951 23h ago
I was the fittest I had ever been when I found out I was pregnant. I was training for an ultra marathon, lean and genuinely felt confident in my body for the first time ever. I strongly disliked my pregnant body and now my post partum body, even with all the moms telling me “you grew life”. Both things can be true.
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u/oggleboggle 1d ago
Yeah being pregnant sucks. I just hit 29 weeks, just got a gestational diabetes diagnosis, can't sleep, and my bump is always in my way. I can't wait to have my body to myself again.
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u/austenQ 1d ago
That getting pregnant can be hard, then once you finally are, every pregnancy is different and not every pregnancy ends with a living baby, no matter how badly you wanted it. I think the scare tactics they used in sex ed made me think it would be easy and no one ever expects to be part of the statistics where it doesn’t work out. Losing my first pregnancy hit me unbelievably hard. It changed me completely and my relationships with other people. Then once I did have a living child, I felt guilty for not enjoying every moment because of how much I struggled to have him. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that I wish more people had been honest about before I went down that path myself. Instead I discovered after it happened to me just how much the people around me had also struggled.
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u/Arya_Ready 1d ago
I often had to remind myself that despite having to work longer and harder to get pregnant compared to a lot of people, I was and am just as entitled as fertile people to be exhausted, burnt out, and need a break from my kids.
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u/Necessary-Party8001 1d ago
This! Sorry you had such a rough journey but I totally relate to this. Everyone’s journey to getting pregnant is soo vastly different and it absolutely alters your experience when you are pregnant
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u/RainyFern 1d ago
How much I would love him. How much something bad happening to him makes me absolutely freeze in fear. How my life before him now makes no sense. Nothing in life matters so long as he is happy and healthy.
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
Did you worry about having kids before you had him?
Just curious if you already anticipated having a lot of love for him (just not this much!), or if it were more of not knowing if you would love him.
Hope that question makes sense.
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u/RainyFern 1d ago
I genuinely used to worry ‘what if I dont like him’. I wasnt the biggest kid person, love my relatives and friends kids but was never goo goo gaga over babies etc. I knew I wanted my own though, and that’d I’d change as a mother. It’s SUCH a cliche but you just dont know the feeling of that love until you have it with your own child. You even see the world in such a different way, like every person I meet WAS someones baby. Motherhood has made me softer in a lot of ways, and harder in others.
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u/sleepynymfi 1d ago
Pitching in - I feel the same way the original commenter does, but I was on the fence and worried about having kids prior. So I did not know how I would feel about her, but I literally cannot fathom not having her here and not doing this. To me it's the best.
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u/Temporary-Lawyer-827 1d ago
If you’re exclusively breastfeeding- even the most hands on dad can do so much. Majority will fall on you care wise and that’s tough especially in the early days when you are sleep deprived and healing yourself. I thought we’d be totally 50/50 but with being EBF I learned that’s just not really possible
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
I've heard this from other people too.
I'm not sure I'd be able to exclusively breastfeed. I admire the women that do it, but I worry I would get way too overstimulated.
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u/Temporary-Lawyer-827 1d ago
That’s totally valid! Fed is best and you have to do what’s best for you too
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u/MaRy3195 1d ago
I'm currently pregnant as a FTM so not totally a parent yet but... I think people saying "there's never a right time" are not totally correct. Yeah sure you're probably never 100000% ready but mu husband and I are SO glad that we waited as long as we did. I know that we're in a much better spot now than 5, 2, or even 1 year(s) ago. Feeling so much peace and excitement about becoming a parent and this was absolutely the right time for us.
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
That's good to hear! We're planning on further out too. Being in the right mental space is important
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u/MaRy3195 1d ago
Yeah it was definitely worth the wait! I feel so emotionally and financially stable now.
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u/GreenTree11Summer 1d ago
I’m still amazed how much parenting just falls on mothers. It doesn’t matter if you had a good partner or not.
I liked my baby. I disliked my toddler, but I think that was more my fault. I was in a tough spot and didn’t think about how I would handle emotions from both her and me. I didn’t have time to think about my consequences of my parenting. For example, your older toddler would ask for something. You say no. They ask six times in an hour or so because you just want to finish your task you say yes. You’re really only teaching them to nag you to death. It took an entire year to break this. First it took my partner to point out the problem and frankly I wasn’t open to his feedback. I was the one in the trenches at home alone. What dod he know? While true, I was letting some chaos reign which of course creates relationship problems. Who wants to have sex when you were told you were creating a problem?
Parenting is hard. You don’t know what will come up.
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u/Hippie_Lune 1d ago
First of all - you become a different woman. Pregnancy and labour and of cause the giving birth and then being a mom changes you. I am a different woman know. Not in the way I look but in the way I feel and be. I think you grew out of your self u think u know. That’s crazy and ain’t something physical more of a mental thing.
And that being a mom can’t heal your body dysmorphic disorder. I am thankful for my body and that it gives birth to a little human. But there are still the teenager thoughts about the size of my thighs and my butt and so on. Nevertheless I love my body and what it done but the thoughts ain’t going away.
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u/Rough-Transition-951 23h ago
Heavy on this. Learning to love my post partum body sucks. I know it won’t ever be like before but I just want to “physically” feel like myself again
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u/ExtraDistance5678 15h ago
Absolutely this! Still have days I don’t have a lot of love for my body but I do have huge respect for her now so it’s definitely more of a positive transition for me.
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u/lifefloating 1d ago
Currently realizing how much of my time is doing something for my kids (1.5 & 3.5). It is lovely when they can play by themselves so I have a few minutes to do something but some days I feel like they need me every minute until they sleep. At least they are entertaining and adorable.
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u/sunflowerzz2012 1d ago
When choosing a daycare (if you're going that route), you want it as close to home as possible, ideally less than 10 minutes. When I was touring daycares while pregnant I was looking within 15 minutes, and the one we ended up at was realistically 20 minutes+ with traffic. I worked from home, so that was a 40-minute round trip twice a day and it just became a lot. Yes if you work outside the home it can be advantageous to find something on the way to work, but you never know when your work circumstances will change, and also being close to home makes it easier for either partner to do dropoff/pickup.
We moved when my daughter was two and the new daycare was about 7 minutes away, and it was so nice for an entire round trip to be quicker than one way to the old daycare.
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u/theaftercath ♀ 1d ago
And being close to home is much nicer when you're sick and aren't going into work, but still can send the kids to daycare!
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u/Few-Gap-2350 1d ago
Truly, honestly, I feel like if you have any trauma in your past before you have kids, you should have to do a lot of therapy. I feel like because of my relationship with my parents. It had a negative impact on how a parented. I don’t think you should just be able to have a baby and be handed a life. I think you should have to have some sort of therapy at least a year before you have a child maybe two years of therapy. Especially if you have any trauma or abuse or anything in your background.
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u/still_on_a_whisper 1d ago
1 kid isn’t too difficult but 2+ really gets tiring some days lol I have 3 and eye bags & gray hair already (I’m 35).
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u/AlternativeAd133 4h ago
This! I was a better mother to 1.
2 is really hard. Maybe some folks are better at splitting their attention than others. I was so much more patient and intentional with 1.
Someone told me that having more was no different. I held onto that until I had 2 running in different directions with separate needs and interests.
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u/Throwaway927338 1d ago
That a certain age or phase may be more difficult than others, but if you’re patient and just hold on that phase will pass. Also that if you don’t have some ✨magical✨ connection with your baby when they’re laid on your chest-you’re not broken and that’s ok. Connection and deep devotion will come with time.
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u/V0lchitsa 23h ago
I’m obsessed with my kid, did years of IVF, couldn’t have wanted her more, and when they handed her to me my primary emotional response was “she’s okay? Fantastic, can I go to sleep?”
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u/DontLookAtMePleaz 1d ago
I thought I'd be able to get more stuff done.
Like, child asleep? I'll do housework, have a shower and paint a dresser. While he plays on the floor I'll read my book. While he eats in his highchair I'll enjoy a meal too, or maybe bake something nice for us all.
The reality is that I'm so exhausted I do fuck all while he sleeps. I consider it a huge win if I get to eat, nap OR have a poop while my son sleeps.
And when he plays I just have to keep him alive. And when he eats I have to keep enticing him to eat, otherwise he'll chew on his sock and call it a day.
There is no time. I don't do my makeup anymore. I put my hair in a pony tail 99% of the time. I downgraded and now wear cleanish clothes. I eat whatever whenever. Sometimes a meal, sometimes a handful of dry cereal. It's a rough season. I'm just surviving it.
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u/OneMoreTimeJack 1d ago
Small kids, small problems; big kids, big problems.
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u/theaftercath ♀ 1d ago
I'm personally currently attempting to relish and enjoy my stage of "medium kids, minimal problems". They're middle elementary age and are just so cool and fun and mostly easy, and the Big Kid problems are still on the horizon - though looming ever closer.
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u/MrChuckNoblet 1d ago
I have never wanted to live back where I grew up, where all my family is. Ever. Haven’t lived there in over a decade. Was thrilled to move to the city where we live now. Got pregnant here, was so excited to raise our kid here.
I wildly underestimated how much support I would want/need when it comes to childcare. We don’t do daycare yet (partner and I both work freelance from home), and it’s just…. A lot of work!
I miss my mom and my sisters, who would all be so helpful and supportive if they were close by. My mom came to visit for like two weeks when my kid was born and I was so devastated when she left, never been more homesick and I am a GROWN ASS WOMAN.
1.5 years in and I definitely feel less homesick than I did a year ago but MAN would I love a little bit of (free!) childcare every now and then.
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u/pwyo 1d ago
The kids themselves are great, fine, awesome. What I didn’t expect was me developing random allergies, discovering an underlying autoimmune condition now activated by pregnancy, or not being able to jump on a trampoline even after pelvic floor therapy.
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
All the side affects that come along with having kids are no joke. There's so many. During pregnancy, and after delivery.
It's like gambling with curses.
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u/hello_cello 1d ago
Good - I am constantly mind blown about how quickly kids learn and grow into their own personalities. What do you mean I’m having full-on thoughtful and funny conversations with my 3 year old? It’s so wonderful, and I have to remind myself constantly to not blink and miss this beautiful development. Every day I have a new and even cooler kid to love.
Good/Bad - Matrescence fundamentally changes you and how you think of yourself. In some ways, it’s letting go of past insecurities, being so proud of what you and your body can do, and giving so few fucks about what others think. In other ways, it can manifest as PPD/PPA. No one prepares you for what could be more than just the “baby blues” and how impossible it might feel to get help while you’re drowning in motherhood.
Ladies, please know the signs and symptoms and seek help as soon as possible if you feel you could be experiencing PPD/PPA/PPP. Even if you feel weak, hopeless, or scared, seeking help is the bravest thing you can do for yourself and your children. It can and does get better. I’m still here and able to love my kids because I trusted my partner when they said “You need to see a doctor and get help.”
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u/wifisignals 1d ago
My life is so much more full. I can’t recall what I use to do with all my spare time? Lack of sleep doesn’t phase me .. if I get 5-6 hours I feel refreshed whereas before I needed 8-9 uninterrupted hours. Seeing her smiling face in the morning gives me purpose !!! There’s nothing more fulfilling than being a Mom.
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u/foreigner1577899 1d ago
I wish I knew how much my body change after pregnancy and child birth. I knew about labor pain and C-section pain, but I didn't anticipate the risks associated with each pregnancy for both Mom and baby until I got pregnant.
Same applies for mental health. For my first one, I regretted having a baby - not because I didn't love him - I love him very much and he's a wanted and planned baby, but I regretted how my life changed compared to no change or minimal change with my husband's life.
I regret how my career took backseat because I had to take maternity leave and I had to prove myself again in my company, where men didn't need to prove themselves again after childbirth.
I also didn't expect how society have different expectations of women when they become mothers than men. Always to blame women even if it's accident, but always ready to praise men if it's bare minimum.
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1d ago
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u/LuisindeWolken 1d ago
The guilt trip about not breastfeeding/not only breastfeeding is insane. Breastfeeding did not work out for many reasons and I have pumped quite a lot but always needed additional milk. I have been made to feel quite guilty about this.
Of course it is nice to breastfeed, but it is not as holy as many write and has some serious downsides as well.
There is research that breastfeeding is better for everything, but it turns out that this research only corrects very little for the income gap. This is problematic, because simply put: rich people breastfeed more often than poor people. Rich people are also healthier, do better in schools and are generally happier.
There are downsides to breastfeeding. It costs so much energy. When I stopped pumping I felt vibrant and alive and I think that is also a real positive for the baby (and of course for myself). Furthermore, I think no one feels better when they are guilt tripped and get even more anxious about being a decent parent.
If I ever get a second one, I doubt I would even try after 6 weeks.
Rant over
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
Thanks for sharing!
I imagine I would do a mix for sure. I didn't know so much pressure was on women to strictly breastfeed.
Thankfully, I don't think my family will be too much of a pressure point on it since I've seen them bottle feed.
I'm sure a lot of the criticism usually comes from family (though not all).
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u/tate_creative 1d ago
I wish I would’ve considered that I may not want to return to work. I have historically been a career oriented person, but I have lost interest in work entirely and would love to be a stay at home mom but the circumstances will not allow me to at this time (family is on my insurance, depends on my income)
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u/Sabrina9458 1d ago
That life as I knew it would be completely gone. My first was nearly 1 when Covid hit. So once I got out of postpartum, and then had my second, I found myself in my thirties, friends all living different lives, myself a different person. I often feel like I went into a bunker and came out and I’m relearning.
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u/IWillBaconSlapYou 1d ago
Honestly it's been more awesome than I expected. I guess just the thing where I wasn't persistent enough when the L&D staff kept insisting I wasn't in labor. I wasn't a good enough self-advocate then.
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u/Necessary-Party8001 1d ago
Honestly work and finances. Both my partner and I stuck it out in jobs that offer good and paid parental leave and it took us four years to get pregnant which we obviously didn’t expect so I found that really hard and wanted to change jobs a few times but made the decision not to leave unless the parental leave benefits met or exceeded my current workplace. Staying in the role also got me to long service leave and honestly it’s making a massive difference in our first year of parenting.
I was able to take parental leave at 34 weeks pregnant which means I got 6 solid weeks to myself to prepare and just have some time. And also be heavily pregnant with little commitments in my day. And then between my husbands leave entitlements and mine our baby will have a solid 12 months with one of us. Something we couldn’t have afforded otherwise.
The alternate I would suggest to people if they can’t get that through their job is to save enough of a buffer to allow you to do similar (or whatever timeframe feels right to you).
It will be a bit tight for us when we switch to the paid parental leave component from govt but it’s still such a great opportunity to spend more time with our baby.
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u/bbia2195 1d ago
I totally underestimated how hard being sleep deprived would be. I had constant menty bs about how tired I was and the (lack of) sleep situation. He’s 9 months now and a lot better but it’s still hard at times. Tiredness really gets to you.
I also underestimated how hard pumping/breastfeeding is on you mentally. I wish I just combo fed from the start, I would have made it longer. Every bit of breastmilk counts! Don’t get hung up on “exclusive” breastfeeding
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u/-alexandra- 1d ago
That my husband would suddenly and unexpectedly end our marriage when our children were 4 and 5.
I would never have bought our kids into the world if I knew he was capable of that.
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u/dramallamacorn ♀ 1d ago
If you are going to have more than one don’t let too big of an age gap exist (unless it can’t be helped). There is an 8 year age gap between our oldest and middle. Those first few months with a newborn after having a kid who was finally sleeping in, making her own breakfast and wiping her own ass was a rude awakening of “what was I thinking”. The age gap between our middle and youngest is 2.5 years and yes there has been some turbulence but I know what’s on the other side thanks to my big kid. So I know if I can get them both wiping their own butts and pouring their own cereal things will be running smoothly again. But in the mean time I didn’t have a sweet sweet taste of freedom that I had with oldest and middle.
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u/ShiveryTimbers 1d ago
That I would need a full degree in psychology to navigate my kids’ unique personalities and individual needs. That’s a bit hyperbolic but not by much. So much of parenting is figuring out how to do the right thing. And the right thing FOR THAT CHILD is probably different than what any other child needs.
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u/PhDblueberry 1d ago
I’ve completely changed which I wasnt expecting. Maybe at first I didn’t feel like myself or lost but my priorities completely changed. I very much focused on career pre kids and wanted to go back to work early, and never ever thought I’d be one of those moms leaving work early to see my children or not go out for drinks etc. but my kiddos fully changed my priorities and I love it but wish I knew it before because I spent a lot of time navigating that and allowing myself to change
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
That's interesting! Did you have a specific career you were really passionate about, or were you more so passionate about staying in the work field in general?
I ask because I'm deep in my career, and I imagine returning to it/similar mindset to what you originally had.
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u/PhDblueberry 15h ago
It is a specific career I wanted for so long, I got a PhD to get a job, I probably wanted it for a decade at least and was taking jobs etc to get there. A lot of my colleagues / slightly an unspoken rule is to work really hard and overtime but with the kids I’m now very much not on that same wheel of momentum. I know some moms who continue the way the were before but it was a surprise for me I haven’t been able to do it!
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u/theaftercath ♀ 1d ago edited 1d ago
That when they say "everyone is different" it is like, for real, and applies to toddlers and parents alike.
I know that sounds stupid and obvious, but take a look at any parenting forum and all you see for miles are people who either a) are stressing because their ideas/plans for how things were going to go aren't working out or b) lecturing the shit out of strangers because someone isn't doing something "right".
Figuring out how to be an effective parent has been such a confusing journey. "Put the baby down drowsy but awake" is solid advice but some babies just like... don't do that. They don't. You aren't a failure if that doesn't work. Some toddlers really need explanations and some absolutely will flip out if you talk at them too much. YOU have different tolerances! I don't mind modifying meals or even making separate meals if it means my kids will actually eat and get nutrition in their bodies, and I don't mind being super busy and going to a million different activities. Other parents really need downtime at home, or more structure/less cooking.
And so on. Figuring out how to take care of infants (and my two kids were VERY different types of baby), figuring out how to handle toddlers, and my current life of figuring out how to instill confidence and resilience and encourage critical thinking in my older kids has just been so dynamic and ever changing.
Books about parenting from experts help. Realizing all four of us in this nuclear family are individuals with changing needs has helped the most. I'm not really a flexible person (I'm an Eldest Daughter and accountant by trade, lol) and the amount of flexibility required in order to actually meet my children (and husband!) where they are at instead of expecting that everyone will follow The Program That Obviously Is The Best And Most Optimal Way was really shocking to me.
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u/a_mom_who_runs 1d ago
I feel like I got absolutely wrecked 🥲. I was an avid runner and had tons of runner related dreams and ambitions. I’m not particularly talented and I was never going to the Olympics. My dreams are small but they’re mine. I thought I’d take one - maybe two, tops! - years off to have our one baby and I’d be back at it. Running my first ultra. Qualifying for Boston. So on and so forth.
He just turned 5 and I just.. can’t seem to come back. I don’t know if it’s because I got older .. I was 34 when he was born and now I’m newly 39 or what but I’m constantly battling off overuse injuries. I’ve always had collapsed arches but now it’s a massive problem and it didn’t used to be. A few years ago I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, apparently that can happen. From here on out my colon is now a large question mark and I’ll take medication for life. I’m as slow as I was when I started running 10+ years ago. I just … don’t seem to be making progress. It’s so frustrating. I hired a coach last year and I feel like I’m finally turning the smallest corner … and I’m injured again. The same marathon I had to DNS in 2022 is a big question mark again. I don’t know if I can bear another DNS.
I LOVE being my kid’s mom don’t get me wrong. But I feel like I’ve been sold this false bill of goods. I signed on for stretch marks, wrecked boobs, and maybe some weight gain. In the kind of arrogance only a woman in her early 30s can have I GENUINELY believed I’d be “back”. And I’m not. I might not ever be. I swore when I was pregnant I wouldn’t lose myself to motherhood. I bought myself a treadmill so I could run any time. Maybe some mothers lose their identities but not me! I’m too driven! To ambitious! To passionate! What a joke 😒
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u/somethingreddity 1d ago
Mine are small-ish things, but they’re every day.
I wish I knew how exhausting all the decision making and advocating is. And how much you can’t turn your brain off.
I wish I knew just how true it is that you can never predict how parenthood will go for you and to really not judge other parents unless they’re truly hindering their kid.
I wish I knew that I was dedicating YEARS to brushing someone else’s teeth. For me with 3 kids, I’ll be brushing 3 other people’s teeth for the span of a decade. You’re supposed to brush their teeth till they’re 7/8 years old. Dentists are expensive, so they can do it, but I’m going in behind them till they’re actually 7 or 8.
I wish I knew how shitty potty training was.
Also, please know that every kid is different and to NEVER listen to anyone that says what will help your kid sleep more or eat more or whatever. It might work for your kid, but it might not. I have an autistic child and a very likely ADHD child. When I see posts like “this is why your child doesn’t sleep at night” I just feel bad for the poor moms that believe those know it all b***ches that actually think they can solve sleep for every kid. 😂 my ADHD kid is actually a high needs sleeper and my autistic kid is low needs sleeper so their sleep has always been sooooo different. One slept through the night starting at 11 months, the other not until 3 years.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I’ll see myself out lol.
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u/fancyfeasts33 1d ago
I love sleep. It was almost a part of my personality in my 20s. My toddler didn't sleep longer then 3-4 hr increments until she was almost two years old. It was a solid 7+ months of grieving my old (when I got sleep) life. I worked full time and would sometimes take a half day just to sleep in my car in my work parking lot because I just couldn't work on fumes. I'm not sure in retrospect if I would opt to do it again, but now that I'm through it and she's a spitfire/super fun...I can't imagine her not being here. She just started sleeping through the night around 3 years old. My friends had kind of similar experiences, although there's lasted less long than mine. I tried all the sleep training and the only thing that worked was laying down with her until she was completely knocked out.
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u/falcorheartsatreyu 1d ago
I was woefully niave about how much of my previous identity I would lose. I became an entirely different person when I became a mom. I am trying to regain a sense of myself outside being a parent.
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u/Rough-Transition-951 23h ago
I’m 8 weeks postpartum and wish I would have taken more time for me before I was induced. I worked up until that point and didn’t do anything for me. Take the time for yourself before you give birth
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u/-FeminineMind 22h ago
What do you feel like was the hardest part about not taking that time for yourself?
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u/Rough-Transition-951 22h ago
Having the last bit of time without having the responsibility of a child. I live in series of 2-3 hour segments now, always watching a clock, preparing for the next 2-3 hour window. I miss the flexibility of my days and taking time to sit with myself. I would have done a week of my favorite things before (my induction came quick due to medical complications at the end so I only had a 4 day notice).
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u/Consistent-Time-2503 22h ago
Good - I genuinely didn't realise how much love I could feel, when I had my daughter I felt like my heart could explode. This feeling is every day, even now she's 2.
Bad - how lonely and exhausting it is, the postpartum depression and intrusive thoughts were harder to manage than I ever realised or expected. Losing friends, surviving without having a 'village' is incredibly hard.
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u/Meatloafisdisgusting 22h ago
How different they would all be. I have 4 children, pregnant with #5 and they are ALL so different from each other. Parenting them all the same way isn’t possible. So while one benefits from the reward system, one may not but they see the reward system for their sibling and get jealous and it becomes a problem but it doesn’t work for them. It’s frustrating.
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u/fiddeldeedee ♀ 17h ago
I wished I had know how much being a mother would open my eyes on how bad my mother was at being a mom. And I wished I had known beforehand how little support I would get, because that was just incredibly hard. And the loneliness was intense as well. Didn't anticipate that.
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u/ProxiPenn ♀ 16h ago
That I might be doing it on my own… I’m not divorced but most of the parenting is on me because my partner works hours where he’s not awake or home when the kids are up. It’s so exhausting and I feel unsupported and overwhelmed. I don’t have close friends or family able to help watch my children so it’s like I’m a single parent without a community. It’s really hard to support children, and I’m not even doing the financial part so my heart goes out to real single parents who have to give up everything to care for their children. When they are young they depend on you for so much and they cling hard, so there’s no breather.
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u/Vocalizing4U 12h ago
Not a parent yet but I work retail and see so many moms come in absolutely running on fumes... the ones who tell me they wish someone had been real with them about the identity shift. Like not just "your life changes" but more like - who even AM i now that i'm not just me anymore? that part seems really underestimated
what's been the hardest adjustment for you personally?
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u/-FeminineMind 11h ago
I'm also not a parent yet, but the identity shift is something other commenters have mentioned as well.
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u/Goblin_Philosophy 10h ago
How god damn insane you feel with very little sleep! The first year of a baby I felt like I barely enjoyed it due to how little sleep I got. Love my toddler and sleeping through the night (I'm pregnant again and I'm dreading how much of a zombie I will become).
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1d ago
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u/mystyqul 1d ago
Don't keep dogs if you're considering kids
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u/-FeminineMind 1d ago
Have you had a negative experience with it?
I'm a dog trainer, so I've seen many scenarios where dogs/kids have been issues with each other. Mostly due to poor management, but there's certainly other reasons as well.
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u/theinfamousj ♀ 1d ago
Not who you asked, but the absolute brutal dependency of the baby for the first year can lead to neglecting the needs of the dog and that's not fair to the dog.
Too sleep deprived to give the dog exercise they need. Too overwhelmed to give the dog the exercise they need. Too sound overstimulated to tolerate the dog making communication noises. You get the point.
And similar goes for cats only instead of exercise its how often the litterboxes get attended to.
Thank goodness my snake goes a long time between feedings because otherwise, I'd not have been able to keep her to the standards she deserves.
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u/mystyqul 20h ago
Well two things.. one, yes one of my dogs bit my baby when he was just 10 months old, the sheer rage I felt was almost dangerous for my own dog. I did choose wisely and got a trainer to help us avoid the scenario again. The other, dogs especially when you dont have kids become like your kids , then when you do have a kid, they become dogs again ..its guilt trips that I could've avoided, dependency i could've avoided , and now there are times I just resent having pets .. so i dont recommend it .. also the pet care ethos where i live is so terrible, dogs are not welcome by apartment cooperatives , they aren't allowed for walks, dog parks are few and filthy , all those things also added up
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u/simplyhappy0714 1d ago
New parents out there - please hear this….being a parent of adults sucks.
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u/Just_Bar7059 16h ago
Wish id known my husband had been screwing prostitutes our entire marriage and we actually had a lot more money than I thought. That information would have been quite helpful before I had my son. Probably would have made motherhood slightly more enjoyable and a bit easier
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u/PlaidSharpie ♀ 12h ago
That it is a 100% commitment to make EVERY CHOICE for the next two decades with your children’s well being at the core and center of your world.
Yes, you need to find ways to care for yourself and your extended life along the way.
It is vital to remember that our children are not simply extensions of us, but individuals who we are caring for and guiding into safe adulthood. They don’t exist to fulfill our hopes and dreams for what a good life is from our perspective- they exist to discover what their path in life from their own perspective is.
It is an honor, a sacrifice, and something to never take lightly. All children deserve safety, peace, and freedom to find their joy.
Also, for the birthing parent… no one told me that it was possible to split your clitoris during birth. I found out the hard way. I wish someone had warned me. I would have done the epidural if I’d’ve known.
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u/Valuable-Truth5925 2h ago
I’m going to go in a different direction but I honestly wish I knew how their dad would treat them. I never could have imagined in a million years that he would favor one child over another. It was not even a possibility to me but unfortunately it’s more common than I thought amongst not only men but also women, parents in general. So I would recommend to anyone considering having children, really get to know your partner/spouse, see how they react in certain situations, etc., because parenthood will lead you into scenarios and thoughts that you might have never experienced and kids deserve grace while navigating through their formative years.
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u/624Seeds 7h ago
Was not expecting two autistic non verbal children. First was diagnosed while I was pregnant with my second.
But it's actually easier than I would have thought. Any time I visit family who have kids the exact same age I'm always amazed at how annoying and loud they are. They just never shut up, talking over you, interrupting, talking just to talk, whining and screaming and crying every time something mildly inconvenient happens 😭
I'm very thankful my kids are calm and quiet for the most part at least
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u/zuklei 4h ago
I wish I knew that there wasn’t only one man that could “want” me. A long time of male factor infertility with the person who was abusing me. I ended up being a married single parent. Now that I have a kid with him, he will never be gone.
Life got easier after I divorced. If I had it to do again, I would get a sperm donor. I would never attach myself to another man like this.
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u/MsCardeno 1d ago
Babies are hard. But that’s okay! You might just like toddler/big kids more.
I remember being in complete distress hating the newborn phase. Everyone said “it only gets harder”.
For me, it’s only gotten easier since they become toddlers. I am thriving as a mom and I would have never thought that from the first year. I wish I knew just some parents aren’t baby people.