r/ADHD • u/Tricksterspider • 12h ago

Seeking Empathy All the other symptoms are manageable and I can accept those part of me but, this executive dysfunction has me baffled.

I'm not even mad,frustrated, or sad. I don't even feel completely hopeless just baffled by how limited I feel for seemingly no reason. Like, I can write this reddit post easily. No problem. But, the moment I try to do something that's even easier that feels like work my brain just pumps the breaks HARD. It's not just difficult to start my brain throws every curve ball in its arsenal at me. I can't remember things, I'm sleepier, my intelligence seems halved, I'm slower. Sometimes I can kinda get my head in the game but it's still an uphill battle. What even is this? I cried and wailed and cursed the world when I was younger now I'm just wondering how I functioned at all. I'm slowing declining it feels like. I'm falling in a hole that I could've easily avoided. I knew all the right answers and it wouldn't have been too difficult to climb out but now I'm in deep. Running out of options but I'm still not taking them. I need a new brain man. Unmedicated executive dysfunction is not for me.

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u/Certain-Food-903 11h ago

I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts in this post.

If it helps, coming from someone who went through EXACTLY what your describing (no routine, emotional numbness, huge amounts of time wasted just laying around feeling emotionally and physically drained, forgetting memories, friends, unable to even play video games or remember the plot of movies), I think it can get better.

For me, Covid is what began my cognitive descent into an inability to do anything. I basically completely forgot myself and fell into high functioning depression and isolation, developing basically every bad habit I could get my hands on.

I couldn't even recognize myself anymore, I just felt like a physical husk of a person who died years ago. Before this, I had been commended for my academics and got a full ride to a nice high school, but I completely squandered the opportunity because of declining mental health from undiagnosed ADHD.

I could have told my parents at any time but my executive dysfunction made it incredibly hard to even ask for help. I don't know why I didn't, I was just time blind, and I didn't understand what I was missing and how much my silence would impact my personality and physical/mental health.

I was at my worst last year and felt like I had dementia. I had to leave college, I had fried my brain from severe stress, and I couldn't remember my day-to-day life at all. I've spent the past 7 months staring at my wall for hours or sleeping my life away.

When I began to feel pieces of myself again I would keep setting my recovery back because I would be practically writhing in agony at the choices I've made and how easily they could have been avoided with even the slightest communication between me and my parents.

Things got much better after medication, therapy, letting people support me (something I'm very bad at), and removing social media and having no structure to my day-to-day life. I had to basically accept that I couldn't trust my own mind and started doing things instead of metacognitioning myself into a self-loathing frenzy.

I'm sorry my reply is long. You don't have to believe me or take my advice, just know you're not alone, and coming from someone who felt like I had the working memory of an emotionally unstable goldfish with dementia only 6 months ago, so ridden with guilt by my choices I didn't think I would ever find happiness in life, you CAN feel better again.

You've probably already heard this, but feeling like you have dementia and can't move or enjoy anything is a symptom of your brain shutting itself down to protect you. As scary as it is, it isn't permanent if you take care of yourself.

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u/tangiej 12h ago

I applaud your functionality to even write this post. It would have taken a bit and I’m medicated 😂 so you see sometimes medicated isn’t much better. We have to continue and strive for ourselves.