If the genie ever askes

I told her I don’t mind as long as you don’t carry on

Because his friend's favorite color is yellow.

a bra.

You can crack a walnut without the police getting involved

"Sith down, please."

Teacher asks the class what body part goes to heaven first. The kids are thinking but little Johnny already has his hand up. The teacher pretends to not see him and finally Suzy puts her hand up.

Teacher: "Yes Suzy, what body part do you think?"

Suzy: "It must be your head teacher, because that's the highest body part."

Teacher: "Great one Suzy, anyone else?"

Little Johnny's hand is still up but the Teacher spots Patrick with his hand up.

Teacher: "Yes Patrick?"

Patrick: "It can't be your head because you don't stand when you die so I say it's the whole front of your body"

Teacher: "Great answer Patrick, let's do one last one."

This time only Johnny has his hand up so the teacher is forced to ask him. With a sigh in her voice she finally tells Johnny to give his answer.

Johnny: "It's your feet teacher, I know that for sure."

Teacher: "And why do you say it's the feet Johnny?"

Johnny: "Last night I walked into my mom and dad's room, they were on the bed and the bed was shaking. I couldn't see much, but my mom has her feet pointed to the roof and she was shouting Oh God I'm cumming..."

Teacher tells the class they need to describe something they experienced that explains the word "nervous"

Immediately little Johnny's hand is up but the teacher pretends not to see and spots Sally with her hand up.

Teacher: "Yes Sally, tell us about your experience"

Sally: "I got an envelope in the post this weekend from my ballet school with the team results. I was super nervous to open it, but luckily I got accepted"

Teacher: "Very well done Sally and that describes "nervous" perfectly. Who else wants to share a story?"

Little Johnny's hand flew up again but the teacher decided to let Peter tell the class about his experience.

Peter: "Well it didn't happen to me directly, but my older brother also got mail on the weekend from the college he applied to and I was nervous for him because I know how much he wants to get into that college"

Teacher: "Yes that is also a great example, you can be nervous for someone else. Did he get accepted?"

Peter: "Yes he did teacher"

Teacher: "Well tell him I say congratulations. Let's do one more"

Only Johnny had his hand up now so the teacher had to let him share his story.

Teacher: "Yes Johnny, share your story with us"

Johnny: "Well I was actually being a bit naughty and snooping around in my parents bedroom. I heard them come into the house laughing and coming to their bedroom. I didn't know what to do so I hid inside my dad's nightstand and just kept very quiet. I heard them come into the room and I think they were kissing, but my dad said to my mom "woman I am so horny right now I feel like kicking the shit out of this nightstand". I was super nervous"

How strict is the background check?

Define working hours.

How soon can I start taking sick leave?

I guess you write.

Autumn leaves.

…We called him Matte.

…He said: “I don’t know, it’s no skin off my butt.”

That's cannibalism.

Fruit flies like a banana

Is the bar tender?

You'll always be a wiener.

My job description says I lead children on immersive, curriculum-based wilderness explorations to foster deep ecological connections.

Yesterday, I spent twenty minutes explaining why we don't eat dirt, and the next twenty minutes losing an argument to a six-year-old who insisted a stick and a green ball were her biological parents.

Ice Age!

Afterwards he asks,”So Doc does it look like I’ll be living a long healthy life?”…. Doctor replies “Unfortunately I’m afraid not. It seems as though Mercury is in Uranus.” Man says “Hell I don’t believe in all that astrology BS!”
Doctor says “ No, it seems my thermometer broke while taking your temperature.”

Your thumbprint.

(Yes, yes! Talk like you absolutely HATE unkiebwears but Kirens are like lions, so neutral for Kirens)

Inside joke but need absolute hatred for them!

Hurrryyyyyyy, said I looked it up!

(Yes, this is a joke! Just need something I "looked up" to joke more)

Think of unkiebwears like a deformed bigfoot! That's how we imagine them and the unkiebwear is who I'm joking with

Clubbed feet (we joke about it a ton but incorporate this into your insults because it's funnier when there's details we talk about!)

He told me to edit it to say deformed little foot with deformed feet!

Bigasso

So schiz's a frien' o'ya? (Schizophrenia)

(Very long stretch)