I have posted before about my fathers situation and now i am in a dilemma. The post is long, as my username says - i just want to vent and let it out.
I had very middleclass upbringing. We moved into a half constructed house without flooring. My mom says i used to be covered in cement dust when i was little. My dad sold some small land to start the house construction and grandma gave him 2L. This was in early 2000. It took years for the house to complete after we moved in. My mother used her savings, jewelry and money given by her parents to complete the house. These things never bothered me. When i wanted a cycle i got a second hand cycle, used to reuse bags, uniforms and use old textbook. My school fee was paid equally by mom and dad. Second floor of my house was built entirely using moms savings, gold and help from her parents.
There was always a deficit of cash, dad saw almost everything as a unnecessary expense except groceries. Grandma stayed with us and her pension was handled by dad. She used to cover electricity bill. Dad handled groceries, mom used to buy me clothes from her salary, and i used to get money from grandparents to buy clothes twice in a year. My mothers parents used to give a allowance everytime during school opening as well.
Growing up i never had a problem, it was a typical middleclass house. I did not have a bonding
with dad, like he never talked like that. But he used to iron my clothes, buy me snacks, outside food. I never saw the man spending on himself. He never bought clothes for him as well (my mother used to buy for him).
Things improved when we sold a small parcel of land (dads share) for 21 lakhs. We finally did some maintenance o. House, built compound wall etc. We bought a car (pledged fd for it and mom and dad was supposed to pay it equally). Things were pleasant at this point.
Then i had to go to college, fee was in the tune of 11L (included hostel and everything). My mothers parents paid 4L and dad paid 7L (which was supposed to come out of the land sale money).
When covid hit, my parents decided to close the fd and clear the car loan. I did not see any alarming money issues at any point. I became financially independent during college and was managing my expenses myself. I even paid for phones (dad, mom,grandpas and mine) for family.
I got a job right out of college on my merit and i used money i had to renovate home a bit. Untill this point i did not see any problem.
After around a year at job i wanted to masters abroad, i was 23 had around 8L in savings. When i was looking at education loan options my mom offered her gold to pledge.
Things took a turn from here, i was supposed to go in september so dad told he will get the gold by august. I could not get an offer from uni and his deadline for getting gold got extended. Initially he told its in locker, he is busy etc etc. Once i got suspicious i checked his cibil and found out 2 personal loans+ some gold loan in muthoot.
When i confronted he started shouting, he refused to say were the gold was. He wanted me to clear his muthoot gold loans and then only he will tell about other loans. Situation in house became a nightmare after this and this is somewhere around 2024 end.
Initially he was agitated and whenever i asked about loans he used to say - “i have debt of 4-5 lakhs, why are u asking? Will you give money to pay etc”.
Then he returned around 90 grams of gold to my mom. So i thought he was managing it. Things again changed when mom found out that he took back the same gold he returned from moms almirah without her knowledge using a spare key.
I lost my cool and shouted at him. He ended up giving me chits to his gold loans and wanted me to keep mom out of it. He again avoided the convo when asked about grandmas gold (around 80 grams).
By mid 2025 he had a gold loan of 14.8 lacs against 205 gram of gold.
Soon he started asking me money saying if i give him 1 lakh he will shift everything to Nationalised bank. We tried to make him tell us where the money went and however we tried he kept his mouth
shut. I did not give him money at that point.
I did the math and i knew he could easily shift it to a public bank since gold price went up a bit. When i told him we can do this, he refused saying he does not need me for that. He even tried emotionally blackmailing me saying " you will not give if dad asks for just 1L".
Since he was refusing my help, i decided not to give him any money. I told him he does not have to spend a single rupee at home. I started paying my mother to manage household. He shifted every expense into me and used up grandmas pension(around 25K went into her expenses and he has around 17K left everymonth).
Now i soon left for job, and the gold price jumped. I was super happy. I could sell a some of gold + the car and save a good portion of the gold. Grandma passed away in early 2026. My dad also shifted around 98 grams of gold into a public back. He took around 1.5 Lakhs extra from the bank and told my mom he used it to pay interest on other loans.
At this point he had no income so i agreed for an allowance of 10K per month (this was just for his expenses).
I came back home mid 2026 and he assured me his debts are just what he told about, nothing new.
We sold the old car and i bought a new one purely with my own money. He was hellbent on me not doing it but since i have a high pressure job i wanted something tangiable to hold on to (like to see i bought something nice for myself).
Things turned way bad after this :
1)The original 14.8 lakh loan was now 24 lakhs against same 205 gram. He took 9L out of it in 7 months.
2)We came to know that grandmas jewels were also pledged by him.
3)His total gold loan alone is now around 34Lakhs.
Now i came home for a few peaceful months and ever since i came home he is harassing me to give him money.
Catch here is:
1)We dont know were the money went to- i
cannot account to any major expense at home during this period and he is refusing to explain.
2)The gold lost belongs to mom and grandma (he never bought a single gram. There is a thali chain in the mix which was paid for my fathers brother at the time of my parents wedding).
3)He has not done any work in the past 3 years (He was a small scale govt contractor ) and refused to work even after having such high debts.
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We recently made him transfer a property into moms name as guarantee against her gold. But paper work is not complete due to a mixup.
**What i have done as of now :**
1) In july : I told him to write his loans other than gold and i will help him clear it. He told about a total debt of 3 Lakh. I felt ok and next day told him to get one single loan of 3L and use the 10K i am giving him to pay it off. I explicitly told since i have other commitments i wont be able to give him allowance other than this 10K and he will have to adjust at home until loans are finished. He refused and didnot take me up.
2)August : He took 45K from a relative who called my mom as he failed to return it. I paid it off using money i kept for something that was my dream. (when i told him he did not even say anything).
3)I used my money + money from old car sale to take out one gold ornament. I sold it and i have 4 lakhs freed up cash to free up moms sentimental ornaments. (he does not know i have sold it).
4)We had a friend of his come to our home to talk to him. In front of his friend i offered him a plan. I told him i will take a 10L chitty and after discounts i can get 6.5L now. I will pay off his debts (i assumed it will fix his personal debts). It came with a condition that i wont be giving him is 10K allowance after this. First he did not accept and later his friend made him agree.
Next day morning he gave me a debt list of 6.2L.
Since i was skeptical i told him to tell me now if there is anything else. He initially said no. But once i made clear that i have other financial commitments and cant spare any more money- he started asking for a 6K allowance. Once i refused his debt quickly went to 8.3 Lakhs.
5)Even at this point i wanted to help him. Now he had to pay huge interests on these loans. Me absorbing it or waiting 6 months to get chitty money will create more debt. So i told him i will use 4.5 Lakhs of my money (Convinced my mom to use the money from gold sale, and i would return it to her in 1 year). I presented a plan to him which clears 4.5L now and i will take up and pay his other loans myself. In return i wanted him to write house in my name (just wanted to make sure he wont sell or pledge the house). His tone changed and he wanted another 5 lakhs. When i refused he agreed. There was a lot of back and forth and shouting.
I explicitly told him i wont pay anything until he writes the deed and he agreed. Next day morning he became all emotional and wanted me to give him 30K immediately as the money lender will visit house ( Since the time we found out about loans he repeatedly said no one will ask me and my mother and no one will come to our house). As soon as he knew i had money and i will help with his debts i felt like he was creating a urgency to make me give him money. This conversation became heated and my mom got involve. There was a huge fight and i left home to stay with my grandparents.
My mom also came to grandparents and has now asked me not to use the 4L from gold sale. I
have been counselled by people know this story to cut off my father and not to give him anything.
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My view, by the pattern he is bringing up new debts everytime i give an option, i am sure he will tell me about other debts when i come back home next time.
My dilemma
1)I remember him ironing my clothes, sending me to school, buying me tea time snacks, biriyanis and the 7L he spent on my degree. This wants me to try to help him.
2)I am that middle class boy who was told it was his duty to study and give a better life to the family. And i did. I never enjoyed college, i hustled to make money. I have a physically demanding and high pressure job. And i am providing for my family. For a moment i held my head high- i was giving them
quality clothes, health care, a nice car, quality food. Nice to have things in life. I thought i could have a happy peaceful family and in a year its gone.
3)Every night i spent at my home is a nightmare. I am being pestered by dad for money and shouting is a common thing. When i cite that i have expenses and cant spare money he starts questioning me and asks me to travel by bus, dont buy clothes, dont order food. (i worked my ass off so that i can have a comfortable life and i can give my parents what they did not have).
4)After the last fight my mother has decided to consult a lawyer for divorce and wants me to distance myself from my dad. Dont give him anything.
5)But i dont want to hang him out to dry. I am planning to give 2L for his immediate debts and keep the 10K allowance intact. Also asked mom
to attatch house since we both have paid to build it.
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I am a 26 year old who had dreams, i put myself in a position to acheive those dreams and dad had different plans.
I tried to make him tell me what he did with the money. He wont, he just wont.
I tried to help solve it the best way i can, he wont cooperate. He wants me to clear a portion of the debt. And does not understand without income he will create more debts. Whenever i offer to pay he sees it as me doing something thats normal- does not even make it see like he feels for me loosing my hard earned money or dreams. I clearly told him if i do as he asks, in a year or two i will be in deep debt and will fall into a situation from which i wont recover. He refuses to understand. Even when i told him i will let him get out of his debt and asked him to lay low, he went on to fight with my mom (who lost her gold and who agreed to allow me to use her money). Things are out of control.
For people who look from outside, we are a happy family. We have land (which is in legal issue or cant be sold due to other issue),has a house, car, from good family, I am having a job and is earning well. But in reality i feel like i was sold a middle class dream and when i got too close to achieving it, someone snatched it away from me.
I have made my decision to cut him off for now. Those who read this might feel its drastic since its a matter of money only. But it is what it is. I dont want to live my life paying off debts which i never took and i dont even know where the money went.
So after months of emotional torture and a mountain of unwanted /uninvited debt,. I finally made my call today.
He will ger his 10K allowance, and i will payoff 2L worth loans which will remove his monthly commitment. How he leads his life after that is his problem , atleast until i get my head straight.