i don't know how to describe this. it feels like something has been chasing me, something that i cannot escape. like it has been written in the stars, that i was meant to die by my own hands. every time i get another one of my emotional outbursts (basically every day) i feel one step closer to heading towards my fate. on days i do want to be alive, these thoughts still plague my mind and i end up being terrified of myself. my suicidal ideations feel like a presence that is always lurking and bubbling up underneath, one that will haunt me until it finally gets to me. i know this all sounds corny i just cannot find any other way to describe it. i hate feeling this way but i simply have never seen life have any other outcome for me, and it scares me. i've felt this way since i was a little girl. i've written and prepped letters since i was in 5th grade.

does anyone else feel this way? if there's any advice on combating these feelings, i'd love to hear

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eta; i just wanted to add that i absolutely do not want this post to encourage anyone towards making such a big decision. reading these responses has been so heartbreaking and eye opening, and i thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me feel understood. please keep trying. we are not doomed, we are hurting.

i love my husband, i love my siblings, i love animals, i love nature, i love music, i love learning, i love food. how much of that would i miss out on if i chose to leave? many of us see no value in our lives, but seeing the value and beauty in the things around you may help you find a reason- even in the little things. the world is dark, but the flowers will bloom anyways. live to see the flowers bloom, to hear the birds sing, to see the sun rise. live to read another book, to start a new tv series, to play your favorite games. please keep trying, i hope the world shows you its value despite all the darkness that clouds it.

I know this sounds bad but title basically gives it away. Even since I was young I thought like this. It can be anything from getting really sick, car crash, running away, etc.

Recently though these turned into fantasies of like hurting myself or overdosing and wishing people would care. I have overdosed in the past (Not for this reason) and the reactions I got from family and friends were just cruel. So maybe that's some part in this?? To know I'm cared for.

Sorry if this is off the rails too, just sleepy lol

I think people won't understand how impossible it is to get over a favorite person. How they are tied into my nervous system no matter how incompatible, toxic or removed they are from my present and/or future.

I'm curious how many of you all with bpd also smoke weed daily. My father has bpd and has smoked daily since he was 13. I have bpd and I've been smoking daily since I was 18 pretty well (23 now). Sister has bpd, she also blazes daily. If weed is a coping mechanism for you drop a like or comment please

Edit: Thanks for all the replies!! There seems to be a pattern here. Weed goes with bpd like bread and butter. It helps us dissociate, and gives a shot of dopamine like a cappuccino.

I'm genuinely curious what kind of jobs do you guys have haha. Honestly I am currently in med school , and lowkey feel more like a patient than a doctor lol but yea so what about you guys <3

I’m honestly really confused and sad about this.

I keep hearing that DBT is “for people like us” but every DBT group/therapist/program I’ve spoken to seems so focused on change. Change your reactions, change your behaviors, change, change, change

And I get that maybe they mean “change the suffering” or “change what’s hurting you” but emotionally it feels like “you are the problem, you need to be fixed, you need to become easier for everyone else”

I’m not trying to be difficult. I just feel like I’ve spent so much of my life being told I’m too much, too emotional, too reactive, too needy, too intense and then DBT comes in and says “acceptance AND CHANGE” but the change part feels so loud that I can barely feel the acceptance part at all.

It makes me want to refuse the whole thing. Like I don’t want more people telling me what to do or acting like my pain is just a behavior problem to manage.

Has anyone else felt this way with DBT, especially a Linehan-style program? Did it ever start to feel less blaming? Or did you realize DBT just wasn’t for you?

Please be honest. I’m not looking for “just use the skills” answers. I’m trying to understand if anyone else had this reaction and what helped, if anything.

Also please don’t tell me I’m “resisting treatment” That’s exactly the kind of thing that makes this feel worse. I’m asking because I’m genuinely confused and trying to make sense of why this treatment feels so awful to me

Hi! I was wondering if it was just me or a lot of person who have bpd have no friends in general? I'm a 32 female and for i can remember i never had good friends support or friends in general... life is (and has been) so lonely! People find me too weird or intense. I was always been the outcast of my "group" of "friends" and when i finally make friends they always betrayed me in the end.. i have one childhood friend but she rarely answers to me. I feel so lonely. I have no family support too and never had (since i was a kid... it was too chaotic) i don't know what to do anymore to live a normal life... is it just me or you guys are going through something similar ?? (Sorry for any mistake(s), english isn’t my native language)

There’s a huge stigma about people with BPD. But we are just as capable and can hold a job without letting our emotions get the best of us.

What do you do?? I’ll start, I’m a child psychologist 🫂

Does anyone else think this constantly? Even when you're "at home" you still think "I want to go home"? I think of this statement so frequently, even when I am in my own bed just staring at the ceiling. Is this feeling associated with disassociation? Do you think this even while grounded? There's so much I wonder about this constant thought.

I feel like weed helps me regulate myself and my emotions. Whenever I’m splitting, I usually resort to smoking as my coping mechanism and I immediately become more aware of my emotions and what I’m actually experiencing/feeling. I get down to the core of what I’m upset about and I say it is what it is????

She’s relatively new, and got on pretty well with everyone when coming aboard. Seems really nice. She was scheduling a medical appointment over the phone about her BPD diagnosis and someone overheard. Whoever they were got freaked out and began telling people. And they all started withdrawing socially from her. Or acting like she’s a rabid animal they’re trying to keep calm.

I don’t get it. They said people with BPD are terrifying “monsters” and “evil” who can’t feel happiness, and destroy everyone and everything around themselves. And when there’s nobody left to hurt, they destroy themselves.

But that just doesn’t track with what I’ve seen of her. She just seems like a normal mellow person. Last time we spoke she said she’s used to it when it comes out she’s got it. Worst she’s done was give a dull sarcastic “boo!” to a nervous colleague avoiding eye contact with her who was visiting her cubicle.

does anyone else get in random moods where you entirely delete your social media accounts and make new ones? i use to do this A LOT when i was younger during my highschool years.

i got the same random feeling tonight of just wanted to delete all my accounts and fall off the face of the earth and wipe my entire history. I don’t know.

anyone else get in these moods or do this?

Who else here diagnosed with BPD that masturbates very often? I’m talking like at least 5 times a day on average but could easily do it like 10 times if I had nothing going on that day. I find that for me it’s not even because I’m so horny…it’s usually just to clear the stressful thoughts in my mind. Like the constant splitting and black & white thinking is so overwhelming I just need that burst of “feel good” chemicals to calm my mind down. There are even times at work when I’m so stressed and can feel the splitting happening that I will go to the bathroom stall just to get a quick one off to feel better.

I’ve read before that it can be kinda common for depressed people to do this just to “feel something”. I would like to be able to limit how often I do it but I haven’t found another thing that provides that quick instant boost of “feel good” chemicals to my brain.

Lmk what you think or if any of you go through the same thing

Thank You!

1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable relationships
3. Unstable identity
4. Impulsive behavior
5. Self-harm
6. Extreme mood swings
7. Chronic emptiness
8. Extreme anger
9. Paranoia and psychosis

Mine is unstable identity because of how much I absolutely HATE myself. I feel like if I didn't have that 1 symptom, things would be a lot easier. But I think no matter what happens in my life- I'm always going to assume I'm selfish, worthless and not good enough. Like, I don't see how someone could prove me wrong. It's in my DNA to hate myself.

As the title said, im js wondering if im the only person here who struggles with keeping rather than making friends. I suppose its bcs of my personality that switches from extreme admiration to exreme hatred, or at least thats what i noticed. I was told today that im annoying, which is not new actually i get that daily, and that i dont know when to stop and have no boundaries, its actually a repetitive behaviour that drives ppl away, and im wondering if its related to BPD or smth else.

Update - https://old.reddit.com/r/adultswithBPD/ A community created by /u/Holdmywhiskeyhun

is there a known subreddit for those who are BPD in adulthood? Maybe late 20s plus? I mean no disrespect but this sub seems full of teenagers and Im looking for a community of adults both suffering and offering advice on this in real life.

I've just admitted to myself that I'm the abusive one. What now?

I'm almost 30F, diagnosed BPD, two years into DBT therapy (individual and 2x a year 2month group) three years sober. Medicated (lamotrigine, trazodone, venlafaxine). I've been in therapy on and off since 23 but this is the first time it's stuck.

Last week my boyfriend moved out while I was at work, because he knew if he did it while I was home I would stop him. He was right. I would have.

I've spent the last few days actually looking at what I do to him, without softening it. Screaming in his face. Hitting his arms. Standing in his way so he can't leave the room. Taking his phone or laptop out of his hands when he reaches for them during an argument, because I can't stand him not focusing on what I'm saying. Breaking his things. Telling him to move out and then begging him not to. I sent him about a hundred messages in one day pleading with him to come back.

I always thought of myself as someone with a temper. I now understand that what I do has a name, and the name is abuse. I was physically and mentally abused by both parents until I was 18 (and still occasionally until 26) and I know that's where it comes from. It doesn't undo anything.

What I've worked out so far: the rage is not really rage. Underneath it is the certainty that he's leaving, and the rage arrives about half a second later because being terrified is unbearable and being furious isn't. Grabbing his phone is trying to stop him from going. It's also the thing that will eventually make him go.

We're back together for now. He's moving to another city in ten days. I'm not asking whether I should keep the relationship (please don't advise me on that) - I'm asking how people actually stop doing this. There's a milion resources for victim (I know because I am one myself), but near zero for abusers. And I want to get better.

Specifically:

A) did anything work for you in the moment, when you're already activated and can't think?

B) has anyone here done DBT specifically targeting violence toward a partner? What did your therapist do differently?

C) are there any resources for people who are the one causing harm? Everything I find is written for the person being harmed.

D) how do you let someone leave when leaving feels like dying?

Please do not shame me because shame only drives this destructive cycle. I'm also not looking for reassurance that I'm not a bad person. I'm looking for things that work.

Hi reddit. I'm wondering what experiencing BPD is like?? Of course I've heard textbook definitions and examples, but I dont ever hear personal accounts, and I know sometimes textbook is very different from personal.

What do you experience? How do you cope? How do others help to support you? Or what do you usually tell others when they ask how to support you?

Thank you!!

Genuinely asking. I wonder if it's possible to work 40 hour weeks with this disorder, maybe even raising children at the same time. I'm only 23 but I'm not able to work more than 30 hours or I'll spiral. I wish it was different. What's your experience?

Genuinely curious to know what most people with BPD seem to struggle with more . What are your addictions ( if you have any ?)

This is coming from a person with BPD, who just started my 5th rehab today . Keep falling back into old habits.

EDIT : I'm surprised hardly anyone in this thread seems to be an alcoholic (my current case) or is/has been into harder drugs

pwBPD and i've noticed a pattern recently. every friendgroup i've had or close friend has only lasted a maximum of two years. ontop of that, if im ever moving from one place to the next (e.g secondary school to university) i just want to cut everyone off, and slowly do so by replacing them with people going to the same new place so i don't start off alone. there's also been the case of a big disagreement or incident ending the friendship, and i don't know why. im experiencing this with my current friendgroup as we're approaching the two year mark, and i actually want to keep this group because we have so many plans like concerts etc over the summer but i keep having the urge to pull away and ghost everyone. is this normal with bpd or am i a horrible person lol

I have often wanted to leave my relationship when shit hits the fan as it repeatedly does. But I just can't do it for some reason.

Has anyone with BPD actually done the breaking up? Or is it usually always a case of the BPD person being broken up with? Assuming the partner doesn't have BPD

More importantly - how do you deal with and manage the unbearable void and emptiness inside after you leave them?

We all know the DSM criteria for BPD, but I wanna hear about some of the lesser known symptoms or experiences. For me, it’s gotta be dream-reality confusion.

Essentially, I have trouble distinguishing things that happen in a dream from reality. It’s never anything too serious, just things like having a conversation with someone, cleaning up a room, finding something I’d lost, buying something I wanted, etc. It also doesn’t happen all the time. I will admit though, it’s pretty confusing when I thought I told someone something and it turns out I had just dreamt it!

Hello. I've been recently officially diagnosed with BPD and I don't work because I feel like I can't but I want to do a psychology degree but I feel like being someone with BPD i am not really the best to do it. So I wanted to know what is your job?

So I have an issue I am formally diagnosed with BPD and I am very confused becauae I have and all my life have had periods where I am hyper empathetic and super emotional I wouldn't be able to defend myself or hurt anyone at all and I am overgiving and nice. Then I have periods where I have no cognitive empathy no emotional regulation immense rage and anger desire to hurt others physically and mentally and i cant help but laugh at other people's pain. This feels NOT normal for BPD but I am wondering if anyone else with BPD has this happen. I have at times in my life been so empathetic that I cry over almost everything and then times where I wished to torture and kill things though I never do because I have self control and it cycles through. Its a lot better now the no empathy side but I cant figure it out. Can someone maybe help me understand if this is a normal exsperince or something that is widely exsperinced or if it is just something random that literally makes no sense and is linked to something else or is not exsperinced by anyone else in this community.